Wedding + Math = Whom to Invite

Part 1: Whom to Invite

Rather than wrestle with ambiguous criteria for choosing your wedding guests, why not plug each of them into the following formula? Decide how many guests you can afford to invite, then rank them according to the numerical values assigned by the following formula.

+10 points for members of the immediate family

+5 points for members of the extended family

+1 point for every year that you have known the potential guest

-1 point for every year it has been since the last time you heard from them

-5 points if it is someone you have never met

+ 5 points if you like them

-5 points if your better half dislikes them

+1 point if you expect them to give you a nice gift

-1 point if they don’t expect to be invited

-5 points if they belong to an entire group of people who could be (but do not expect to be) invited

+3 points if they have been endorsed by someone subsidizing the wedding

-10 points if they are a former significant other

+10 points for mutual friends of the bride and groom

-5 points for members of the opposite sex who are not mutual friends

+2 points if they congratulated you promptly on your engagement

-3 points if they congratulated you on Facebook and that was the first form of communication in several years

+1 point if you were invited to their wedding

+3 points if you went

-5 points if they will try to make out with your mother while in a drunken stupor during the reception

This should provide objective criteria by which to navigate an otherwise difficult decision.  Remember: this is your day and the numbers don’t lie.

Published in: on June 19, 2008 at 12:26 pm  Comments (1)  
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Raisins vs. Midwest Floods

My priorities are clear.  I know what they ought to be.  But I also see very clearly in my actions what is actually going on.  A sizable chunk of this and neighboring states are underwater.  Few lives have been lost, but many have been ruined.  And I want raisins.

Human suffering matters.  I care.  God cares.  People care.  But I do not care as much as I ought to.  At the end of the day, the only human suffering that really matters to me is my own.  My blood sugar is getting low and we are almost out of raisins.  This is a problem.

But there are two bigger problems.  1) Iowa is covered by waves of mud, not amber waves of grain right now.  And 2) I don’t really care.  Maybe it’s the distance, or the overstimulation of my senses, or the fact that my news source is CNN without audio while I’m at the gym.  I don’t know.  But the bottom line is that right now raisins are vying with the suffering of my neighbors for first-place in my consciousness… and the raisins are winning.  God, help me.

We Hate the Wedding

“Which do you hate more,” I asked, “the wedding or the jewelery store?”

She replied, “That’s like asking who was meaner, Hitler or Stalin?!?”

We’re 35 days away from the Big Day.  I now approach it with stoic resolve.  Then again, I don’t have to wear the dress.  Or go to the fittings.  Or suffer through the shower.  Or have my gender identity questioned because of failing to embrace glitter and glam, but that is exactly what jewelery stores do to women with simple tastes.   And so the love of my life now hates the day that everyone tells her should be the best day of her life.  Damn.  We should have eloped.